About The Loss of Love

“I feel like my entire body is wide open and people are taking out my organs, playing with my heart.”

When you feel like this it’s hard to explain to people what’s going on with you. You can only hope that they had experienced something similar and they would understand you. But then again, in a moment like that, you believe that nobody has experienced what you have. And probably you’re right. People are unique and people react differently to other people’s vibrations.

What you have had with a loved one, is something that you will never have with anyone else simply because of the uniqueness of human beings and souls. Whether you’re going to have something greater and better with someone else in the future or not, you still don’t know that. And the thought of it being the greatest love that’s gone, is horrific. Here come questions like: “Did I try hard enough?”, “Did I fight for love?”, and if your answers are “No”, what are you supposed to do if it’s too late and how do you know when it’s too late? Are you supposed to let go and move on, or go back to the past, open your feelings again and try harder?

One thing I can say is – nothing that other people say to you is relevant. You are the only person in touch with yourself. Especially when people say: “you will meet someone better.” Really? How do they know? They can’t know that neither can they know whether your lost love wasn’t good enough. If you believe that your love was the greatest, if that’s what you feel, if they changed your life, made you fly, smile, tremble, touch the sky, dream, be happy, then maybe your love was great. If your soul communicated with his/her soul in a deep level, uncontrollable and mystical, if your soul came to life every time your loved one looked at you and it felt like the entire universe was present to the beatings of your heart, then maybe it was the greatest love. Maybe you had lost the love of your life because some people do.

So what happens from now on? Does life go on? Could life go on without love? Or even worse, could life go on with the memories of a lost love?

The Pieces of All My Emotions

Emotions showing up in colors -

I see white, I sense black -

it's when I feel, it's how I know

I'm far away from love.

I've confused the love for him

with the love for love. 

*Sometimes you want to be in love so much

you misinterpret the colors.*

How could I wait for a rescue

when I've left no trace on the way?

I am alone in the room

with the pieces of all my emotions in the air-

they hollow me, surround me.

And I cry

I'll never be found.

Yellow

The clouds are yellow.

The Sun shines in purple,

why would I ever see in black

even through my black shades?

I still keep my nights insomniac

always trying to forget,

trying to remember

those brief captivated moments of vulnerability.

I fell down

and like it wasn’t enough I went beyond down,

 that’s why the sunshine looks so pretty,

it’s not real

as unreal are my memories of your smiles.

Could I rotate the world around,

dive into the Sun as it burns less

than burns my pain for not having you.

A Little Bit of Sadness

I was bleeding out of emotions

Surrounded by laughter,

Hearing only tears.

There is no beginning of a new heart beat –

The last one took all my breath.

The Illusions of My Crashing Pieces

I keep on losing my self in illusions

all in black and white.

I swim in the softness of that cloud

I move between spaces,

keeping my eyes closed.

I have stabbed my heart to give some colour

to my Universe.

My wings drag my body, I won't lose control.

I see you from distance, I still have breath to get to you.

My body crashes into pieces,

each of them has an own wing

they are coming to you.

Darkness starts to prevail

where are you?

I can't go further.

My body is gone

my soul still hopes to reach you.

Feelings

One of the innerly experienced pains is when you care so much about something that people may assume you don’t care at all. Sometimes the strongest a feeling is, the weakest it looks like. And your heart is going to be filled with all that misunderstanding that it seems like it’s about to explode in the air and spread around little pieces of your own self. Then you are not going to feel like yourself anymore. Are you going to try to find and collect all those little pieces of you and be yourself as much as you can again, or are you going to learn how to re-build your self?

Sometimes when you have cried so much people stop paying attention to your tears, taking them as something usual. But tears can’t be plastic. They always come from somewhere and they always mean something. People don’t know when it might be the worst time to turn their backs on you. Nothing is more important than one’s feelings, one’s inner state of being. When someone is down, when someone is miserable, when someone is lonely, when someone is unlucky in love no outer circumstances should surpass the importance of those feelings.

*Be passionate. No matter how much it hurts. It’s the only way to truly know life.*

About Truth

Whoever seeks the truth, is in denial. Truth is always obvious and if you ever need to hear it, it is not because you don't know it (at least unconsciously), but because you need a wake up call to let go of something.Truth is not said, but only felt. Try not to hold on to those desires which make you cling on something or someone, but move on to new opportunities, people, places, dreams.

I can't let go. So I know how easy it sounds, and how hard it is to be done. I am right there. Maybe you will be stronger and you will succeed before me. Maybe I never willl. Maybe you never will. But we can all try without asking questions, hoping, or believing in a misleading truth.

Look for the truth only in people's eyes; don't ask them to pronounce it. People tend to be protective either of their own interests, or of other people's feelings and they would never speak the truth that's hidden in their eyes.

I have always denied questoning, considering it foolish and unwise, but I found myself in this position once. Shall I call it desperation or loneliness, I don't know. Did questioning help me? It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Did it help me move on a little bit easier? (as sometimes we need to hear it, to realize it). I can't state that. I guess time will show and it is a different lesson and experience for everybody.

Trust your own reason for the right thing, but be more sensitive to the little signs that unvail the big dilemmas. And remember: you can never blame someone else for your own feelings – they belong to you; nobody can hurt you because nobody is responsible for what you feel.